Snow Fort Instruction Manual

Snow angels? Lame. Snowmen? Please. Get your shovels ready. This is the biggest blizzard in 30 years. It’s time to build an awesome snow fort! Last year sucked for snow, but judging by the current forecast we will have plenty of white stuff soon and the kids are going to love it.

So here’s what you do. Get your snow pants on and wear the good ski coat, the goggles too in case it’s windy. Who care what your neighbors think. First grab a shovel and clear the driveway. Pile all the snow in one spot, right there in the front yard. Next, while you’re clearing that nasty gray stuff at the end of the drive, have your kids walk all over the huge pile of snow you just made in the front yard. That’ll pack it down. Then prepare to dig.

I use a full size spade and poke it into the snow pile, gradually clearing out the snow until a hollow cavity develops. Keep clearing it and clearing until you see light from the other side. Now run over there and dig from that side. Then clear it some more. Stick your kid in there and have them clear the snow. Hold them by the ankles and drag them out with a whole load of powder in their arms! They’ll love it.

Then it’s the parent’s turn to get inside. This will feel extremely claustrophobic at first. You might get your shoulders wedged in a tight spot and feel like you can’t move. Your life may flash before your eyes. But just relax, take a deep breath and wiggle around a bit. Hopefully it won’t cave in. You’ll be fine. If not call 911. You never read this.

After your big butt has fit through the fort, the kids will have so much room to roam around they’ll want to stay in there forever. The kids will love you so much for helping build it. Take pictures! This is a great family moment. Best parenting ever. Snow fort perfection. And if the kids misbehave later on, grab the shovel and threaten to destroy it.

Don’t forget the hot cocoa afterwards. Splash some booze into yours if you want. You earned it. Winter is awesome.